Sometimes my mind wanders into thoughts that feel so uncomfortable they hurt. It harkens back to a situation where I encountered evidence of me at my worst; and I find myself shutting my eyes really tight, almost as if I was trying to wish that thought away.

Lately I’ve been examining where those thoughts come from, and trying to deconstruct the habits and beliefs that create them. For example, I might recall an instance where I’m sharing something that makes me feel vulnerable, and feeling the flash of negative feeling that comes with it. Perhaps that negative spike comes from the uncertainty of what others might be thinking about me. Or maybe a resistance to being vulnerable in general—some deeply buried belief that vulnerability equals weakness and I must rid myself of this vulnerability, lest it lead to my downfall.

But regardless of how the belief was born, it’s here now. And getting to the root of it is the key to releasing it.

So, during or after an episode where I find myself frozen in thought, I’ll ask myself, “What thought am I thinking that I don’t believe I can handle?” And after running the possibilities through my head, I’ll usually come across it. “Oh, I thought talking about not having a girlfriend for the first 26 years of my life meant there was something wrong with me. And I was seeing myself as messed up in some way because of it?” Or, “Really? I wasn’t quit sure if I was using that word correctly and thought my message wasn’t getting across as well because of it. And that’s why I was feeling so bad?”

A lot of the times I’ll give off a chuckle in discovering what was feeling so negative. I don’t see myself as someone who’s held back by such seemingly trivial beliefs, but when I feel those spikes of negative energy, and then trace them back to those seemingly trivial roots, it reminds me that growth isn’t always linear. The many different parts of us can grow at very different rates. And sometimes, aspects of our self-image can seemingly freeze in time, because we were unwilling to deal with a painful experience and thus haven’t given that aspect of ourselves the opportunity to merge with who we’ve since become.

But each time we discover a part of ourselves that we’ve left behind and bring it back into the fold, we become slightly more whole again. Our image of ourselves grows more accurate, both because we brought that part of us to speed and because we learned more about ourselves from seeing it as it was. And with that greater self-knowledge, we become more authentic and secure in who we are. Which in turn frees us up to take more risks, exploring who we might not be, and gaining an even better sense of self.

It’s a continuous cycle. But it all starts with facing the painful thoughts that freeze us in our tracks, and revealing what we might not be eager to see. The good news for all those willing to try, though, is that you can’t do this wrong. Moving into the pain is the fastest way to release it. And the human instinct to find relief will guide you past the limiting beliefs that create it. All you have to bring is a willingness to face it.