For years, the easiest way for me to stay safe was to hold back. Filter. Let the other person be vulnerable first.
Gradually, I found ways of trusting myself enough to be vulnerable around safe people. This accelerated after finding Authentic Relating in 2019 and having lots of affirming experiences with strangers in safe containers (as well as expanding my own connection skill set), but I still had a “prove to me that you’re trustworthy before I let my guard down” mentality.
That mentality acted as a safety script. Whenever I was in any situation that had previously led to pain, I defaulted to the safest known way of behaving.
Unfortunately these scripts were created long before I reached emotional maturity, and were mostly designed to protect me from other emotionally immature, unattuned people that I grew up around. The scripts weren’t designed to bring forth my most authentic self, or create closeness and connection once I finally found my tribe.
Then in late June, something happened. I was in a healing session where I revealed that I was running one of these safety scripts, and the healer invited me to tune in and actually see if she was safe or not right now. 🤯
Wow. Years of assuming that everyone was unsafe until proven otherwise instantly got replaced with the practice of tuning in to see what is true right now. I spent the next week tuning into everyone I could to notice all the nuance that arose in connection when I did.
As fate would have it, I had my first date with my now partner that week and my ability to tune in inspired her to enter me into her phone as “Josh The Oracle.” I shudder to think what she might have named me had I still been running safety scripts, or if our relationship would’ve survived weeks of social distancing if I was emotionally distancing from her as well.
In August, I would take my attunement skills even deeper, during a weekend long retreat. Four days of spiritual teachings around attunement, playing with overtuned and undertuned energy, and all the ways being too self-contained (e.g. safety script Josh) can hold us back. That weekend inspired me to shed another layer of armor and brought me closer to my partner and myself.
Now I find myself in the most supportive and fulfilling relationship of my life. A relationship built on continual attunement to truth, instead of ungrounded fantasy, or falling in love with idealized versions of each other.
Today I’m making a commitment to taking my attunement even deeper. Inspired by an intuitive reader who invited me to trust my awareness and integrity and be less humble, I’ve decided to fully lean into my ability to discover truth instead of holding back my intuition in fear of being wrong.
This feels like escape velocity. Leaving behind the familiar to embark on the hero’s journey.
I don’t know where my path will wind, but I know I’m going to invite all the support I need along the way.
Life is too short to play small forever. Thank you for continually encouraging me to play bigger. ❤️