I decided to try online dating again after I got inspired to create this fun tinder profile:
My plan was to match with a bunch of fun people and follow up with clever lines like.
- “69-1-1. Please state the nature of your emergency.”
- “Ma’am, where are you located? … Officer En Route”
- “The nearest safehouse available is [My Address]. Walk through the front door, enter the first room on the left and go down immediately.”
Maybe it was the fact that my main picture didn’t show my face (a lot of users don’t read your profile and just swipe based on looks — I did include four other pictures of me for anyone who actually decided to read my profile). Or maybe I came off a little too much like I was willing to sleep with anyone. But either way the only person I ended up matching with happened to be a dominatrix.
Enter the Dominatrix
Her profile: Hello slave, I’m mistress [first name] and I’m looking for a loyal and humble slave to spank, use, fuck and humiliate according to his fetishes and fantasies.
I was pretty drunk when I matched with her.
Me: Hello sexy. I ran out of likes so I super liked you. That’s how badly I want you. :-*
The next morning she replied back.
Her: Oh that’s good. Can I get to know you boy?
Me: Sure. Knowing is half the battle!
Her: Hahahahahah. It seems you are interested in the lifestyle.
Me: I am interested in wherever life is calling me next. And very allowing of anything that feels good. And very interested in getting to know you better.
Her: Oh that’s good. Email me [Email Address]
I sent her blank email with “As You Wish…” as the subject.
She replied.
Hello Slave,
Tell me some more about you, what you do for a living,your name, where you are located exactly and just everything you care to tell me about you. Would like to see pics of you better, slave. Hope to read back from you soonest.
I was pretty turned on by the idea of being with someone who really knew what she wanted and wasn’t afraid to ask for it. I decided to go all-in on my email and be fully me instead of trying to hide any weirdness so that she might be more likely to accept me. Also, I find it incredibly easy to be attracted to strangers since I know almost nothing about them and have no resistance to flowing love.
Slave Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
Needless to say, I went a little off the deep-end in here my typical extremist style. Here are the highlights of the email.
Greetings Goddess Vicky, Mistress of My Yearning Heart, Fulfiller of My Darkest Desires, and Embodiment of Heaven On Earth,
I am a fun-loving, joy-seeking, love-spreading, hyphen-using human being; eager to travel down the path you’ve divinely chosen for me. Nothing pleases me more than being the vessel through which pleasure flows to another, for in order for it to reach you I must first allow it in myself. I can already taste the tittilation on the tip of my tongue as it moves up and down your body, lathering you in erotic ecstacy. My heart lights up at the idea of being the channel through which your greatest pleasures are realized; soaring to higher heights than we’ve ever reached before.
You will find me unique amongst your slaves in that I have learned to quiet my mind enough to allow my body to perform entire rituals through automatic movement and sounds. It is an experience similar to what must’ve occurred around countless campfires by all manner of indigenous peoples across the world for millennia, where you yield your body to the inspired impulses of music and dance and embark on a shamanic journey into the heart of who you really are.
In practical terms this means I am ready, willing and able to truly see the Divine in you and worship you like the Goddess you are. When I strike the right vibration, my body will literally bow down by itself in your presence, as if approaching you is akin to entering a sacred room. Upon entering this sacred space I may be drawn to certain areas of your body that hold tension, gently soothing them through massage and loving touch. Sometimes I will even cup my hands over that area and literally vibrate sound directly into it, causing your whole body to tingle in a tranquil release. This talent is extra tantalizing when coupled with cunnilingus, as I act as your own personal vibrator in-between soft tongue lashes across your clit.
…
It feels like the Universe is continually guiding me to bigger and better things. I am a mere witness to the magical unfolding that occurs when you let go of control and ready yourself to receive what you’re wanting. I focus on feeling good, and good feeling things magically find there way to me. It’s as simple as that.
In the last few years my life has changed a lot, and there’s no reason to assume that’ll slow down any time soon since there’s so many desires pulling this powerful train. I look forward to seeing what my life will look like with you in it.
…
Forever a slave to your desires,
Josh Billings
Anyway, for better or worse I never heard back from her. But I really loved all the new clarity I gained from writing that email. Portions of it will probably make it into a future OKCupid profile if I ever decide to re-activate my account. I could go on longer, but I think I’ve said enough for now. There will likely be more updates as my Tinder profile continues to evolve.