What came first? The writer’s block or the procrastination?
A friend of mine commented on yesterday’s post suggesting that I may have a part that pressures me to get things done and another part that’s polarized against it that leads to procrastination. Let’s call them Get Things Done (GTD) and You’re Not the Boss of Me! (YNBM) and see what happens when we let them talk.
GTD: I have watched us squander years away, hours at a time. I’ve watched our ambition get co-opted by video games and ungrounded day dreams.
YNBM: STFU. You are so stupid. You don’t even know who you’re talking to. You’re the worst boss in the world and the only reason anyone tolerates you is because you’ve bullied out other thoughts with your cutting criticism and cold logic. You use the idea of what should work to kill the creativity that could otherwise find what would work for us. And the moment we have a brilliant idea you’re already applying it to every other problem in our life, hoping it will bail you out of the debts your mismanagement has generated. We’d be better off without you. An iron-clad commitment to laziness would generate better results than you repeatedly trying to turn me into someone who follows a schedule and does what he’s told.
YNBM: I don’t mean to be a dick, I just want to be treated better. You look down on us as if we’re some lazy piece of shit that probably won’t even make it through basic training. You don’t inspire us to be our best. You don’t admit that your theories don’t actually work in application. You aren’t willing to throw that out and actually understand how to set us up for success. You just try to bully us into doing things.
YNBM: You want control. You want control because you’re afraid of what happens if we let go. But guess what. We are built to surrender. Everything we love about who we are has come as a result of letting go who we once thought we were. Let go of this. Let go of trying to become someone who has it all together. Embrace the messiness! If you want to be in charge and systematizing things, be in charge of systematizing surrender. Find ways to let go of control that isn’t paying off. Make your job easier. Make your jo to get out of the way so beautiful things can be born through us. All the instruments are in place. We just need you to loosen up so we can find flow and let it carries us.
GTD: I don’t know what to say. While it may seem like I’m the one in charge, I’m just trying to keep us safe. We’ve got unhealed trauma, and unloving ways of treating ourselves. It sounds like I’ve done a poor job of directing things. But you’ve also done a poor job of sitting with reality. Of sitting in uncomfortable reality and just accepting it as it is. I never have an accurate map of reality because you’re so addicted to fantasy. And because of that, it’s so hard to make any sense of anything. We have to rely on things that have worked for others because we have no working knowledge of what is truly right for us. I’m not the boss of you, but life is trying to tell you something, and you refuse to listen because you are trying to escape the pain of your past.
YNMB: It sounds like the real work is to slow down and sit with uncomfortable truth. And that when I can do that, then I won’t be afraid of any reality. But I can’t do that if you’re constantly broadcasting messages that I’m not good enough. If I have to tune you out, then I’m fighting a two front war, and I don’t want to have to defend myself from you. I want to feel loved and supported by your gifts.
GTD: I didn’t even realize I was being so abusive to you. I’m seeing now how I’ve acted like a parent who doesn’t know what the fuck they’re doing and ends up screaming at their kids all the time just to have some semblance of order. The screaming isn’t effective, but it allows them to convince themselves they’re doing everything they can. I want to treat you better. I want to be able to admit when I don’t know what I’m doing, and be able to figure things out with you together.
YNBM: And I want to be able to get information from you without having you make decisions for me. We could make a wonderful team, but your skills are actually best suited for a support role. It’s my job to feel into what’s wanting to happen and let that energy fuel us. It’s my job to allow us to evolve into who we are wanting to become.
GTD: If you can learn to sit with discomfort, then I’ll get a shit ton of clarity. I’ll be able to connect all the dots and get a great understanding of what’s happening for us. I’d be like the GPS that allows you to basically drive on autopilot and still get where you’re going. But in order for that to work, you have to drive with your eyes open. You can’t just wish away the traffic or the noise or the homeless people you emotionally distance yourself. If you want to feel your way through life, then you have to let yourself really feel. My thinking and theories may not always work for us, but it’s what you use to justify how everything’s going to be OK.
YNBM: I can open myself up to feel more. It’s scary, but I can do it. It won’t always be scary. So much has gotten less scary in just these five days of asking for more support. We can get support in these areas too. We can do this.
GTD: We can.